Celebrate The Mediocrity
by KatpissNeverclean
Summary: POST SEASON 6: Six months after the fatal day, Meredith discovers she is pregnant once again. While she is completely ecstatic, Derek struggles with her past miscarriage and tries desperately not to get attached to the pregnancy.
1. Chapter 1

**POST SEASON 6: Six months after the fatal day, Meredith discovers she is pregnant once again. While she is completely ecstatic, Derek struggles with her past miscarriage and tries desperately not to get attached to the pregnancy. **

**Hi! This is the first fanfic I have written in.. geez, a long time. So expect the usual rust and bear with me. This is just a story I have been playing with in my mind for a few days. Hopefully you'll enjoy. **

**Also, Derek surrendered his chiefly rights to Richard shortly after the shooting. But that will be discussed in later chapters. **

**The first few chapters will be kind of angsty. In later chapters, it will get a little more sunshine and butterflies and all the hoohaa. **

**Obviously VERY MerDer, with a spattering of other characters. Enjoy! And please review! **

**DISCLAIMER: I am obviously not Shonda Rhimes, although I would happily give a kidney and a left arm to be her. So, yeah. This goes for all of the future chapters, so I won't be posting it on every one. That would be annoying. **

Throwing up was that much worse without someone to hold your hair. Usually, when someone is vomiting up god-knows-what, it's common courtesy to hold their hair back, since this friend or significant other is usually either sick or drunk beyond belief

Or pregnant.

Also, it's usually the only thing you can do for someone, assuming you don't feel like cleaning up vomit.

Meredith promised herself she would appreciate this little blessing so much more. It was hard to throw up _and _try to keep your hair out of the toilet.

She remembered thinking the exact thing, quite a while ago; when she was in the same predicament for days and didn't want to admit that she didn't just have food poisoning. That was the last time she threw up.

When she had woken that morning, it took her a while to realize why Derek wasn't next to her.

She remembered: they had been rudely awakened by his pager going off in the middle of the night. As usual, Meredith, her brain still slow with sleep, had happily discovered it wasn't her pager, before reaching over to the bedside table, then stretching behind herself to give it to Derek. She hit him in the face, and he groaned, obviously annoyed by the 911 page, and his obnoxious wife.

"Sorry." She mumbled and felt him get up.

Meredith didn't know what time it was when his pager had gone off. She had drifted to sleep before she could be bothered to look, or ask what Derek's page was about. Oh well.

She brushed her teeth, getting all of the disgusting taste out of her mouth, and decided it was best to skip breakfast. Nothing was worse then to vomit all over the halls of the hospital. Nothing spread faster then gossip at the hospital, no disease could top a juicy story.

She had thrown up yesterday morning, too. And the day before that.

It was kind of inevitable, the test. She knew she would take it today, because she hated not knowing what was going on with her body. She was pretty sure. But still.

She felt happy as she drove to the hospital, even though there was some nausea going on there. Not overly happy, more a happy you wanted to contain. You know, don't give your hopes up and all that. Smug happiness kept to yourself.

It had been almost half a year since that dreaded bloodbath of a day. The worst day of her life, which made the tragedy sound petty. Equal to the times when your middle school boyfriend, the one you just knew was your soul mate, dumped you after two weeks of dedicated love.

"_You don't understand. I just can't go on. _

_This is the worst day of my life. My life is just OVER."_

It did feel like her life was just over, at the time. Her husband dying in front of her. Her baby dying inside of her. Months of helping Derek recuperate, which was tough both physically and very much emotionally on both of them.

Telling Derek about the baby was the hardest. His obvious pain and utter agony was unbearable to watch. They didn't talk about it much. She had tried to bring it up on one or two occasions, but he was very unwilling and she didn't press him any further, although she felt they really should talk about it. Even when so much time had passed, he still avoided the baby sections of stores like the plague.

This is probably what made her a bit uneasy about the idea of being pregnant again. Derek had always, always wanted children. A ton of them. Lots of hair. Toys. Girly dresses and ballet. Ball caps and soccer practice. Meredith had always been hesitant about the idea of children, obviously because of her own twisted childhood. Thinking of kids as more of a "one day I will…" type thing.

Now it seemed he had taken her place, not talking about children, not mentioning how cute their kids would be or finding a stuffed animal at the store, casually mentioning how it would look cute in a nursery.

But he would be okay eventually. Maybe being smacked in the face with reality would bring him be to his old self. He was his old self, mostly. It had taken a long time for the community to adjust after the shooting, an unbearably long time. But they had all eventually gone back to work, even Derek and Alex, and gone back to the old song and dance, drinks at Joes, living at the hospital, so on.

But she still avoided the catwalk at all costs. She used to love the catwalk, to watch the sun rise and set when she had a spare second, to lean against the rail with Derek in comfortable, companionable, silence. They had both quit that cold turkey.

The supply closet where Reid had died was a ghost town. Alex, Lexie, and Mark, would never take a certain elevator. Little things that reminded everyone of what had happened.

She was sure he would be ecstatic over the news. He loved kids no matter what. Adored babies. He hadn't changed that much, had he?

"Of course not." She murmured to herself.

Meredith tried not to think about the test. It felt a lot like before, but it could be anything. Deep down she knew, of course. Call it instinct. She knew that there was a wrinkly, but still cute pink face somewhere near the future.

Still, her sensible mind told her to wait to pee on a stick.

As soon as she had changed into her scrubs, she slipped quietly into a supply closet, making sure no one was in there first. She grabbed some few pregnancy tests, more then one for good measure, and stuffed them in her pockets before slyly stepping out.

Making sure the sticks weren't showing, and trying not to make it obvious she was doing this, she ran into Derek.

"Hey." She said, smiling, trying to pretend she wasn't startled and a bit pissed at his horrible timing.

He frowned slightly, someone who didn't know him wouldn't notice but he smoothed out quickly. Then he kissed her, sweet hello she would have liked any other day, if she wasn't so anxious.

"I haven't seen you all day." Derek said.

"Yeah, sorry. I'm a little late." She apologized, and then noticed quickly her words had a definite double meaning.

"Why were you late?" Which obviously meant 'What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you so jumpy?'

"I just got out of the house late." She shrugged.

He just uttered a little "hmm", obviously dropping it, thinking it was probably one of those dreaded girl drama things.

"What was the 911 about?" She asked, starting to walk down the hall.

"Diana Murrell." He sighed, talking about a recent trauma patient. "Her intracranial pressure was high." His tone and the expression on his face made it clear what had happened.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly, rubbing his arm.

_I'm sick of all the death._

"Yeah, me too." He sighed again, wanting to drop the subject of lost patients. "You seem pretty anxious today."

"Uhh. Why would you think that? I'm not anxious. Just want to work, you know? I have stuff to do. People to talk to. I just have stuff to do."

He looked at her critically. "You're nervously talking again. You're lying."

"I am not." She was trying to keep her statements short, being the awful liar she was.

"Really?"

"Really. I'm just busy."

"Okay." She hadn't convinced him, but she had stopped his obvious curiosity and she thanked her lucky stars for that.

"Well I need to go… do stuff."

"Right. See you later?"

"Yeah. See you later."

She had never been so thankful to walk away from him. She really did need to calm down, though, stop being obviously anxious and nervous and all of that. Derek knew that she was lying, but she assumed he thought it was one of those 'maybe I really don't want to know' things.

It definitely was not, or she hoped not.

**Sorry! This chapter is pretty short. Usually these chapters would be much longer. I'm just trying to get a feel for the story. I like it so far.**

**Please, please review! I will even give you that incentive. If you do, I will give you a short preview of the next chapter. If you anonymously review, please include your email so I can send it to you.**

**Thanks for reading!**

_This was really bad. This was exactly what she was afraid of. _

_She wanted him to be shocked, elated, excited, all of those good things. _

_He was just shocked. None of those other emotions. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi again! Thank you for all of the awesome feedback! It really makes me excited to write. **

**Before 1:30 at night, I really hadn't thought past chapter three, LOL. But now I've outlined up to chapter 8 or so, I think. The outline is hilarious. I wish I could show you. If anyone can make angsty chapter outlines laughable, it's me when I'm half asleep.**

**THANK YOU! to all of the reviewers. Your feedback is great! All of you, who are silent readers, please review! You get a sneak peak of the next chapter, and you make my day. I want to know how you feel about the story. **

**Enjoy!**

Eight little lines in all.

Four tests, each having two little pink lines.

It was obvious, her instinctual '_I just know it; I can feel it in my gut' _was right, that sixth sense that doctors, as a general rule, dismiss as utter crap, because they are afraid to believe anything they cannot see with their eyes, touch with their hands.

"I just knew you were in there, huh." Meredith said to her stomach, patting it lightly. "I didn't want to give my hopes up, but I knew it, little guy... or girl."

She was calm. This new chance at being a mom felt very right and good.

Her miscarried baby, her first child, would not be forgotten though. It still ached, getting better over time. It wasn't something you forgot, that painful memory. Her sensible mind knowing what was going on, but still trying like hell to reject the reality.

At the time she hadn't had much of a chance to really process what had happened. That obnoxious McDreamy fan girl had interrupted her. _Oh my god, have you been shot?_

April had made her face the painful truth much faster then she would have on her own, which is why she probably resented her more then she had deserved, because April hadn't know any better.

She had missed her baby so much; the one she barely knew and never had a chance to hold.

But, she was always better with dealing in a crisis better then anyone she knew, especially Derek, who could not get over things easily. She had gone through enough to know how to accept. Even though she was not one to share her emotions very often, she had gotten better with dealing with them privately.

Derek wasn't like that, which led to the obvious question. How to tell him.

Before she could even begin to consider, the door creaked open.

Even though she was in a restroom stall, and she knew the person could not see her, she spooked a little, stumbling around and hitting her elbow, like an idiot.

"Ugh. Ow."

"Mer?" Cristina said.

"Oh." she sighed, relieved.

"What's up with you? It's not a big deal when someone opens a door, Meredith."

"Nothing, you just scared me."

"Well, whatever." Cristina said, spiritually waving her off. "What are you doing in there, anyway? Come out."

"Uh… okay, hold on."

She faced a small dilemma. What was she going to do with the tests? She didn't want to throw them away, even though they were pretty gross. She didn't want to just flush them down the toilet either.

And she knew she did not want to tell Cristina first. She was probably being superstitious and silly, but it would feel like déjà vu. Maybe changing what she did after getting positive tests would mean it would go better or whatever.

So, she quickly stuffed all four tests in the toilet paper dispenser, behind the toilet paper itself. She prayed no one would care to notice they were there, and if they did, to leave them alone. She still didn't know what she was going to do with the tests, so it was a temporary fix.

"You're so weird, Mer." Cristina sighed when she had finally stepped out of the restroom. Meredith was surprised she wasn't suspicious, it was very unlike her.

"You're weird, too." Meredith said. "What's up with you?"

"Oh, you know. Hearts."

"Uh huh."

"Hearts, Meredith. Hearts in need of repair. All pumping full of blood. Hearts in need of an operation. "

"You don't say."

"Well, I gotta go anyway. You made me forget about going to the bathroom, too."

"Sorry."

Cristina finally seemed to notice her short sentences. "What's wrong with you?"

_I swear to god. If anyone else asks me that today…_ "Nothing's wrong with me, Cristina."

"Well you look pissed off."

"I am _not_ pissed off. Just, well… a little worried I guess."

"About what."

"Nothing."

"Wow." Cristina sighed. "You are such a bad liar. I don't even know why you even try. It's obvious you're completely lying to me. It's almost insulting, like you don't expect me to notice?"

"…I thought you had to go do something."

"Oh." She was frustrated that she had forgotten about what ever she was going to do, and that Meredith had brought it up to distract her and make her go away. "Yeah. Well, I'll make you tell me eventually."

"Alright, see you." Meredith said, patting her friend on the back as she left and letting out a small sigh of relief.

It felt weird for her, not telling Cristina everything that was going on, but she thought Derek should probably know first, anyway. She didn't want him to be hurt if he found out she had told someone else before him. It probably wouldn't bother her that much if she knew how he would feel about the pregnancy.

The first time, she had told Cristina because she had to tell someone, anyone. She didn't think Derek would really care, because he would be so happy. Now she wasn't so sure.

But she was inexcusably late, but it was okay. Shadow Shepherd was too timid to reprimand anyone for anything, which was the good thing about being on his service. You could do whatever, and if he was intimidated, he wouldn't say anything. Thank god.

She knew she should get to it, at any rate.

Just after the punched 'up' for the elevator, she saw someone familiar.

"Hey, you again." Derek greeted her.

"Hey. Are you going up, too?"

"Yeah. We have uncanny timing for these kinds of things."

"We do."

He didn't reply, but it wasn't an awkward silence, just a comfortable passing conversation. She snuck a peek at him, a sideways glance that he didn't notice. He seemed like he was in a generally good mood.

She reached over to his hand, holding it. Derek seemed mildly surprised and amused that she wanted to. She smiled sweetly at him.

"You're in an uncharacteristically good mood." He commented.

The left elevator dinged and opened, and they both stepped in, punching their appropriate floor numbers.

"Yep."

"Any reason?"

"Uh.."

She didn't know if an elevator was really the best place to tell someone about a baby. It probably wasn't, but elevators had always held quite a significance in their relationship, those 'elevator moments'. They had gotten engaged in an elevator, too, so that was big. If he could pop the question in one, she could do this.

He was in a good mood, and she was being annoyingly sweet because she was that happy. She didn't know if she could get him alone, both of them in a good mood, again today. The alone part was the hardest. She couldn't bring up babies with someone else within hearing range, god forbid _April_, who still followed him around like a dog. She was always around when something went wrong. But there was no one else in the elevator now.

Plus she liked elevators.

"Mer?" Derek said, looking at her oddly. She still hadn't answered simple question, all of two words that Derek probably thought were harmless.

"Yeah. I have a reason."

"Which is?" he prodded curiously.

"I'm… kind of pregnant."

No long discussion over dinner at a five star restaurant. No presents with little baby booties in them. No romantic special thing. She couldn't even say it right. She wasn't _kind of_ pregnant. She was being stupid, and it didn't come off well.

It was just weird saying it out loud.

She looked at Derek. This was really bad. This was exactly what she was afraid of. She wanted him to be shocked, elated, excited, all of those good things.

He was just shocked. None of those other emotions.

He looked like a deer in the headlights; this sure as hell was not what he was expecting to come out of her mouth. And this was exactly what she'd feared of.

She had imagined how he would react when she told him the news with the first baby, how excited he would be. He would want to go shopping for baby things all the time, make her read those _What to Expect when you're Expecting_, talk about it all the time and be so proud.

She thought that after the initial shock, he would take it better. He blinked a couple times.

"Oh."

That's all.

He just looked at the floor numbers and not at her.

"Derek?" But he said nothing.

It was almost to his floor, and he still hadn't said anything else. In frustration, she pushed the emergency stop, which was, without a doubt, the most misused button in the elevator. It was convenient for adult activity, and mental breakdowns, a very useful button indeed. Especially now. The annoying ring began.

He groaned in annoyance.

"Meredith."

"Seriously, Derek? Seriously. That's _all you say_? I drop the damn _baby _news on you, and that's all you say. 'Oh' and 'Meredith' and you're pissed off. Really? That's all I get?"

Derek looked at her for a long moment, to the point she was getting self conscious.

"You're right." He sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Okay," She mumbled, a little surprised. She didn't know what he would say. But she didn't expect him to apologize. It was probably hormones, but she felt like she was about to cry, and it freaked her out. She looked down at her shoes.

He touched her hair comfortingly. "I need to go through, Mer. We can talk about it tonight at the house."

"Alright."

"You still have me trapped me in the elevator."

She looked up at him. He smiled, but it was sad, like he was smiling only for the sake of her feelings.

"I guess so." She still had her hand over the emergency stop button. She pressed it again, and just a few seconds later they were on his floor.

"I'll see you at home?" she said.

"I'll be there, promise."

He stroked her hair again before stepping out. He had been trying to make her feel better, but he didn't look back as he walked out.

A few people shuffled in.

"That went well." She mouthed to herself.

* * *

"I think he'll come around, eventually. I thought Shepherd liked kids."

"He does."

When she had gotten to the lobby to go home, she saw Alex, impatiently waiting for Meredith to give him a lift. She had practically blurted out the news to him in an attempt to mould him into her own personal girl. It bothered her that Alex seemed happier then Derek had been.

"Are you sure about that?" Alex asked.

"Of course. He's always been good with kids. Always whined about having kids, you know that."

"Okay, then what's his problem?"

She sighed, beginning to become uncomfortable. She loved Alex. He was her brother, but she didn't really want to talk about it.

"I don't think… I think he hasn't really gotten over, you know, the first time... I think that's why."

Alex's face turned sad, regretting that he had brought it up.

"I'm sorry Mer."

"It's okay. I think he'll be okay. Thank you for being a girl for me, anyway."

"Any time. But if he keeps this up, I'll kick his ass."

She laughed, and it was the first time she'd felt okay since she'd talked to Derek. "Okay, okay."

She started walking out the door, but Alex turned her back to him, engulfing her in a surprise bear hug.

"Congratulations, and all that stuff. I'm happy for you" He said.

"Thank you, Alex. I appreciate it… but you really are going to grow a vagina the way you're going."

He laughed.

**..Ew. This chapter seemed to come out gross. Sorry, bleh. **

**The next chapter will probably take a while. Most of it will be in Derek's Point of View. I definitely know Mer more then Derek, so that'll be hard for me. It'll be interesting to write.**

**Please please PLEASE review! I can't stress this enough. ;o; I get a lot of traffic (over 300 hits for the last chapter) and I would love it if you review.**

**If you review this chapter, I will give you a preview of chapter three, usually about half a page worth. If you review anonymously, please include your email so I can send it to you. (:**

**Thank you! **

In chapter three;

"_Hello?" Meredith mumbled into the phone. _

"_Hello ma'am. This is the Seattle Police Department…" _


	3. Chapter 3 Part One

**Hiya again! **

**This is not the full chapter I was expecting to write… school starts on Monday, and I haven't been this busy all summer! I have in no way forgotten about this story, but I just haven't had the time to write all of it.**

**I hope that things will settle downs soon, because I want to continue this story badly! D: **

**Meredith;**

"Hey Mer, can I use your car?"

She waved Alex off for a moment, and he rolled his eyes.

She was calling Derek –again, and did not want to be interrupted if he decided to grace her and actually picked up the phone. But he didn't… again, and it just went to voicemail. She didn't bother leaving a message. She already left a few, each one sounding a little more upset and unpleasant than the next.

Now it was just getting pathetic and embarrassing. It reminded her of the drunken sob fest she had had a few years ago, drowning out her woes to Joe after the '_pick me, choose me' _fiasco, her friends watching her.

_Why don't you just throw the pigs blood on me now and get it over with? _

"…So, can I use your car?"

Alex wasn't being as sympathetic now as he was just a few hours ago, only being obnoxious.

"Why do you need it?"

"I want to go to Joe's."

"It's not that far, just walk. You need your own car."

"You're really going to make me walk to go get a drink?"

"Yep."

"Come on Mer."

"Just go. It's close, and I don't want you wrecking my car if you get really drunk."

He didn't bother whining anymore; she wasn't in the mood to budge.

* * *

**Derek;**

The house was so close to the hospital, surely her mother had bought the

house just for that convince all those years ago, and Joe's was across the street from it. She didn't feel sorry for him.

It was like Addison all over again, except now he felt guilty about ignoring the constant phone calls. Derek knew Meredith would get increasingly pissed off, but he hoped she wouldn't worry. That would make him feel worse for ignoring her.

He just couldn't bring himself to go home and talk about things. She was already upset, so there was no point in going home now, which is what Richard always said. Once you're really late, you shouldn't even bother, that you should wait until tomorrow to go home.

That always seemed a bit silly to him, but now he completely saw why. Hopefully, she wouldn't be as mad when she came to work the next day. He wasn't going to go home, since her day started so early, anyway.

Instead he went to the bar, with the plan to stay there until whenever, and then go across the street to sleep at the hospital. He hoped that Meredith wouldn't come looking for him. He didn't think she would; she wouldn't want to make a scene in a bar.

He didn't sit by any one, and no one tried to sit by him, thank god. He just wanted to be alone.

He knew he was raining on Meredith's parade… and that was an understatement. He didn't want to be like this. He tried being happy about it, for her sake at least, but it just made him feel sick.

He still loved kids. But the feeling of losing his first baby was horrible. He didn't think about it, anymore –ever. He didn't know the baby was there until it wasn't.

Yet it was unbearable. The baby, in all honesty, was not even a baby yet. Didn't think or feel, but it was still their child… it was the idea of it being a boy or a girl, and fighting over names and clothes and how the nursery would look. They would probably have their friends decide everything, because they wouldn't be able to come to an agreement. Meredith complaining about not being able to drink her beloved tequila, because she was carrying their child…

Now, old scars were being ripped open again, too soon. He didn't have any closure over it at all.

Meredith seemed to. He was surprised at how happy she was. He didn't think she had moved on so quickly.

But she had always been good with dealing, coping. And he was bad at it, he knew that. He wanted her to be happy. It was nice to see her glowing, and he had ruined that.

He kept drinking.

She was probably either extremely pissed or mildly worried. Neither were terms to describe happiness.

But he knew the statistics. He had lived with Addy long enough to pick up on things. A third of pregnant women miscarry… one in three.

Meredith had already been that one in three once, but she was always unlucky, never good with odds.

And she worked all day, lived in the hospital and stayed awake for two days in a row, lived off of caffeine and vending machines, and liked to stand up without taking a break for eight hours during an exciting surgery. Even if she cut down her hours, didn't take on such long and hardcore surgeries, she was very prone to stress.

He didn't talk about it, but he had asked when it had happened when she broke the news to him.

"…_Jackson had to pull your leads off. It was genius. It saved our lives... but I didn't know. I didn't know they were faking it. I thought you died, Derek. And I freaked out, I went hysterical. It was horrible. Even though it was only for a minute or two… it was too much stress for the baby this early." _

While he appreciated the information, he wished now that he hadn't asked. It was his fault.

He had pulled the plug on Mrs. Clark. It had upset him at the time, but he knew it was what she wanted. And he knew Mr. Clark was going to file a lawsuit. Still, he would have never guessed the consequences would be disastrous.

He remembered looking at Mrs. Clarks scans, with April breathing on him.

"_The patients had a massive hemorrhage… look, you see here? The left temporal lobe, the hemorrhage, looks like it's…"_

"_Wow! That bleed is huge… What?"_

"_You look even prettier in your scrubs." And she laughed in that infectious, bubbly laugh she had._

"_What are you going to do about your giant stroke?" _

"_Nothing." _

"_Nothing?" Oh. He forgot about April. _

"_Yeah. Mrs. Clark has a left temporal lobe hemorrhage that has extended into the ventricular system; there's nothing we can do. Wanna get a cup of coffee?"_

"_Only if you keep telling me how pretty I am..." _

And that was it. _There's nothing we can do. Wanna get a cup of coffee?_

He hadn't even taken a breath. With the words _there's nothing we can do_, his world completely shifted, but he didn't know it. At the time, it seemed like nothing, just another case. There was no reason to fear or to regret. In one breath, he had changed their fate, in the worst way… and asked Mer out to a coffee date.

That was the day he had brought up having children, he remembered. That just showed how much of a sick and twist world it was.

By this time, there were quiet a few glasses surrounding him. He looked up for the first time in a while. Joe was watching him suspiciously.

"Is Meredith going to pick you up?"

"No. I'm going to sleep at the hospital."

"Oh."

He felt at least a little comforted that Joe was concerned, but by now his thoughts weren't as coherent.

His phone rang again.

He didn't even look at who it was, and with each ring he felt worse. He was tempted to pick it up, to apologize and tell her why he was so afraid.

If he had gotten to this point over a baby he hadn't known, he knew it would be so much worse if it happened again, this time with a baby he had bought things for and seen on an ultrasound and grown to love while it was still alive.

But he was drunk and feeling and thoughts wouldn't go over well, especially over the phone in a crowded bar.

So, he just gave up and turned the phone off.

"Dude."

It was a voice he recognized. Alex Karev.

"What?"

"Was that Meredith?"

"It's none of your business." He slurred.

"…she's been freaking out all night. She's called you a hundred times, and you're here at the bar?"

"So."

"So? She told me you're not jumping with joy, and I get it. But you're screwing her up."

That hit an alcohol-dulled nerve. _You're screwing her up_. He really was beating her down, messing her up. Again.

He always screwed her up.

Alcohol made Meredith a self proclaimed 'vapid narcissist', but it made Derek a moody, depressed, intolerable person that couldn't use words well at all.

"You've really screwed up. You need to call her now. "

A depressed, moody, intolerable person who couldn't use words well, and he was really pushing it.

"Call her now, or I will and tell her what you're doing and where you are."

Well he wasn't going to do that, so instead of bothering to describe his distaste with his words, he used his fist.

By then, he was too drunk to hold much information. His closed fist hit Karev in the face, and he was surprised, but didn't hit him back.

He thought that someone was holding him back before he got a chance; it looked like Owen but he wasn't sure. That was a bummer. Alex was a wrestler, he'd heard. He thought that maybe he'd get someone that would fight back. It looked like Alex was trying to, though.

He knew that he broke all of his glasses, and saw a lot of freaked out people. Some of them were faces he recognized, and he knew they wouldn't look at him the same, but that was okay. He felt a few hesitant hands on him, but shook them off in his blind rage.

He was, again, taking Richard advice. Once you've screwed up, there's no use. You might as well keep screwing up because the consequences will be the same, no matter what.

Time didn't mean anything, and it seemed the pretty blue and red lights were there in an instant.

"_Hey Derek." Meredith sighed. She looked exhausted, both physically and emotionally dried up. _

_Being tied up like this, in a hospital bed, in front of his peers and friends was mortifying. The pain from his chest was only blotted out by the emotional wounds, when he had realized what had happened, and had heard fatality numbers being thrown around in his murky uncertainty. But pain was slightly subdued by a ridiculous amount of drugs. It helped. _

"_Where were you? I woke up and you weren't here." _

"_I'm sorry, I know. I went to do something." _

"_What?" He wasn't really curious; he just wanted to strike a conversation. It would make everything feel more normal when nothing was. He assumed she finally went to go eat, or went to get a cup of coffee. _

"_Nothing important." But she stopped looking at him, and instead at her hands, and her lips trembled. He was still on drugs, but he still knew her and knew when she was lying, even when she didn't ramble on and on. _

"_Liar."_

"_I am not. I'm not even nervously talking." _

"_Well, you're talking in short sentences and you're not looking at me."_

"_Well, it's not important anyway. Go to sleep." _

"_Okay… if it's not important, tell me." _

_Still, she hadn't looked at him and he was getting increasingly worried. He could hear the beeps on the monitor get faster. _

_She finally took her eyes off of her hands, and instead at the monitor. She took the monitor in one hand, turning it to her so she could see it better, and ran her hands through his messy hair, which hasn't been groomed in quite a while, trying to calm him down._

"_Who else died?" _

"_It's okay Derek. You need to calm down." _

_But that didn't help… it just made it so much worse. It meant someone important to them died, because she hadn't answered his question. _

"_Who else died, Meredith?" He repeated._

"_It's okay Derek. You're freaking out, and you're going to make _me_ freak out if you don't stop. So stop." _

_Well, he didn't want her to be upset. "Will you tell me?"_

_She didn't answer for a moment. "Yes." Then she glanced at the monitor and looked relieved when it showed his heart was going back to a normal rate._

"_Tell me." _

"…_I had to go down to OB. Cristina forced me." _

_Now he was really confused. She was staring at him sympathetically, like she was waiting for him to understand something, for it to click in his mind. He felt idiotic because it didn't._

"_Okay, so, why did you have to go down to OB?" His was frustrated with the slowness of his doped up brain. He was missing something._

_He was missing… some sort of information._

"_I didn't want to go, but she wanted to make sure everything was okay, even though I told her it was… fine. It's fine. I'm fine" _

_Fine… she had said this word so many times, over so many years, that it had lost its original meaning. Fine, to him, now meant, "Something is seriously wrong with me, right now, but I'm not going to tell you, because I'm Meredith, and I'm stubborn, and that's what I do."_

"_I'm not understanding something here." _

"_Derek…" She looked almost guilty, and like she was preparing for him to get upset all over again. "I'm so sorry."_

"_What happened…?" _

"_I'm sorry._


	4. Chapter 3 Part Two

**Whattt? This is actually being updated? Since when does this happen?**

**I'm so sorry guys. D: Since school started, I've had about two hours to myself. I can only write on the weekends, usually. But I've been incredibly busy on the weekends. I'm sorry. **

**This story still has not left my mind! I still love it and want to write it. Especially today. I'm supposed to be working on my essay for 'The Effects of the Global Economy on Biodiversity', but I have to take a break and indulge in MerDer.**

**I also have two really good story lines I'd love to write, but I'm stashing them in the back of my mind until later, hehe. **

**Anyway, I hope you still like!**

"I don't care about him. He's a total ass. I'm going to move back to Boston. I still have my mom's old house there, 'cause I never bothered to sell it. He better have suddenly gone deaf or something, or I'm going to kill him and make it look like an accident. I can totally do that. I'm smart. I'm going to murder that egotistical, arrogant, stupid, stupid, idiot. I hate him."

Lexie patted her sister's shoulder comfortingly, not really sure what to say in the face of Meredith's mood swing disaster. She passed Mer more tissues.

"Post-it's are stupid." She bawled.

When Lexie had come home late in the night, she was beyond surprised to find a very out of character Meredith crying her eyes out on the couch. They had exchanged little words, besides Meredith explaining that she was pregnant and that Derek was less than thrilled. After that, she had just bawled out strings of hateful words and profanities meant for her absent husband, in between periods of raging hormonal sobbing.

"I'm sure there's some reason he hasn't called yet. He probably got pulled into an emergency surgery." Lexie said.

She had repeated this several times, internally freaking out. She prayed to god that someone would walk through the doors and take over Meredith-watch. It wasn't that she didn't love her sister and want to help her, but Meredith didn't usually flip out, especially in front of her, so she was clueless as to what to do.

"I'm such an ugly crier." Meredith cried, wiping her nose again. "I hate crying. This is so stupid. Men are stupid things, things with no brains. They have NO brains. I'm turning into a lesbian. I'm sure I can find a girl to meet my needs. Plus girls live longer, so that's an advantage, and Derek's already an old, nasty, man. And, I could turn into a cougar, too. High school boys have more emotional capacity than Derek does. I can emotionally feed on sixteen year old boys."

"Okay." Said Lexie.

The phone rang.

"I'll get it!" Lexie said quickly, trying desperately to grab the phone, but it was closer to Meredith.

She sniffed again before looking into the caller ID. She frowned for a few seconds before answering.

"Hello?" Meredith mumbled into the phone.

"Hello ma'am. This is the Seattle Police Department-"

"What." The word was more of a general statement then a question. Now she wasn't sobbing in a petty fashion. She was just pissed off. One could only assume who this call was about.

"Um. We have Dr. Derek Shepherd in custody, in a holding cell. He wrecked the Emerald City Bar, and seems to be pretty intoxicated. The bar owner told us he wouldn't press any charges, but we still need you to come up here."

"Why didn't he call me himself." Another harsh statement. Lexie looked at her sister questioningly, frowning at Meredith's tone.

"…I don't know, ma'am. We asked him to call his emergency contact, but he refused and gave us this number instead. This is his emergency contact, yes?"

"I guess so. He _wrecked _Joe's bar?"

What Derek had done sunk into her skin. This was how upset he was about having a baby? That he would wreck their favorite hang out spot? She would make sure he paid Joe back; probably pay him twice as much as the damages were worth, actually. Thank god Joe was such a nice guy; he wouldn't make this more difficult then it already was.

He didn't _want_ a baby, at all. It was totally obvious now. It wasn't that he was unsure. It wasn't just nerves or the shock or any other pointless excuse. His perspective on children had obviously changed entirely. Something that made Derek so completely _Derek_ was gone. She didn't know how to process that, how to even begin. Derek… not liking children.

No, that wasn't right. Derek still liked children, she knew. Just a few days ago he had treated a young girl, and he was just Derek-y as usual, being absolutely adorable with her, making her giggle and smile even when she was being poked and prodded. It had made her happy to, and made her wish they had one of their own. She could see him being Derek-y all the time, then.

What the hell.

"Joe's bar? No, ma'am, it's the Emerald City Bar."

"Sorry, that's just what we call it." She said quickly. "You need me to pick him up?"

"Yes, there will be an upfront fee of twenty dollars for booking, paid in cash-"

"Okay, whatever. I'll be there." She rudely interrupted once again but not having the emotional capacity to care anymore. She hung up, suddenly physically exhausted to go along with the emotional exhaustion that had been going on for a while now.

She stared at the phone for a while, her anger practically tangible.

"Derek wrecked Joe's…?" Lexie asked quietly.

"Yeah."

"I mean… are you gonna go… do you want me…?"

"Come with me. I want to make sure I don't murder him in front of the cops." She said dryly, taking her keys out.

The drive home from the police station was probably the most awkward things Lexie Grey had ever gone through in her life. She had thankfully remembered to bring the entire box of twinkies from the pantry before Meredith stomped out of the house. She had gone through most of them already, staring wide-eyed and panicky between the warring married couple from the backseat.

They'd said maybe a few sentences to each other. As they were walking out, Meredith had shook her head, mumbling, "I cannot believe you did this."

Derek, still pretty damn drunk, had taken a painful, long moment, to reply. It was a sad, pitiful, "I'm sorry, Mer." The complete vulnerability of his voice seemed to make Meredith's anger almost, _almost,_ subside. Her eyes grew sorrowful, and she let out a long, sad sigh that turned into a sharp _huff_ at the end, as if she had remembered, _oh, right. He trashed a bar and hates our kid._ The sorrow in her eyes turned into anger, her face upset.

"I don't care."

He didn't say anything else, and the horrible, unnerving energy in the car made Lexie stuff another whole twinke in her mouth.

The growing tension was certainly not good for anyone. The pure pressure was excruciating as they were all waiting for someone to say anything… everything. But there was no way stubborn Meredith or depressed and drunk Derek was going to say anything.

Derek held his head in his hands. The knuckles on his right hand were swollen and bloody, no doubt from punching something or someone, or both. He barely moved and didn't talk at all. He didn't look at anyone. He looked completely destroyed, ruined, crumbled.

"You're lucky the cops love you." Meredith murmured halfway home.

"I know."

"Don't do it again."

"Okay."

And then there was silence the rest of the way home. Nothing.

As soon as the car was in the driveway, Lexie jumped out (practically before the car stopped moving) , carrying a now empty box of twinkies and hurrying to the house. Both Meredith and Derek stayed in the car, unmoving. Meredith's hands still were clutched on the wheel.

For the first time, Derek looked at her. He hadn't since she left the elevator, since he had promised to come home tonight. He had kept his promise, in a sick and twisted way. He wasn't planning on it. He had wished he was anywhere. This is exactly what he didn't want to do. He hurt her again. She was sniffling when she had looked at him through the holding cell bars, rubbing her nose with her coat sleeve like a small child.

He remembered that coat. It was one of her nicer coats, one she liked a lot but didn't wear much because it was expensive. She seemed to forget about that, since she had ruined the sleeve.

Meredith had a lot of coats and sweaters. There was a large portion of their shared closet just for all of her jackets and things. He complained about it a lot, and she would always tell him to add more closet space in the 'Dream House'. He made a real point to add that. Meredith told him that they needed bigger bathrooms, too. _For all of your damn hair products. I swear to god, you have more than any girl I have ever met…_

She ruined her coat but he ruined everything else.

He hadn't looked at her when he was bailed out, in the car. He couldn't even manage to talk to her on the phone, to explain. The utter guilt overwhelmed him. He was racked with unexplainable emotions. But guilt stood out among all the others. Angsty, woe-is-me. He had messed up again. Again again again.

Eventually Meredith's hands released her grip on the steering wheel, her hands falling into her lap as if she had no bones. She looked at him; her facial expression was completely unbearable for Derek to look at, so he dropped his gaze to his hands.

Then Meredith started to cry.

The suddenness of her emotional attack shocked him for a few seconds, and he wasn't sure what to do. She was obviously pissed beyond belief, but he had to comfort her _somehow. _He was afraid his touch would make it worse. It was one of the worst sights in the world, seeing Meredith cry. He hated that more then anything. It was especially painful when he knew he had caused it.

"Meredith…" he sighed, still not touching her.

"You hate our baby." She moaned, rubbing her eyes with the palms of her hands. "I don't understand, Derek. I don't know what we did to you."

"I don't hate our baby." He said automatically. Of course he didn't hate their baby. He loved it unbearably, too much. And that was a bad thing. The idea of having a (very unenthusiastic) son or daughter to drag to the lake for a fishing trip was thrilling, something he had wanted for longer then Meredith would ever know. But having the hope of having something that special, that important, something that he had waited forever and a day for, and then having I taken away _again_ was awful… awful. Didn't Meredith understand that…?

_I don't know what we did to you. _We. As in them. As in Meredith and their baby. She was already doing that thing that he had seen quiet a lot, when pregnant women started talking in 'we's in stead of 'I's. It was something he thought was cute, unless someone used it excessively. Then it just became obnoxious. It was something he thought would be downright adorable though, if Meredith was doing it. And now she was talking in 'we's.

"Uh huh." She mumbled, unconvinced.

"I don't… hate. I'm just… worried Mer." He groaned, frustrated, trying to explain. A lovely, brain splattering, headache was emerging, making explaining his feelings to Meredith that much more difficult. He knew he would never get the words right, now. He wouldn't be able to make her understand.

She laughed one cold, hard laugh. "_Right._ That's what you do when you're worried, huh? Freak out and get arrested."

"I'm sorry Mer. I can't even think now. My head hurts."

"Whatever, Derek. I don't care." She yelled at him, opening the door in a dramatic matter, jumping out, and slamming it hard. The car rattled, not helping with his headache at all.

**Reviews are great! :D Even though I probably don't deserve it, 'cause I haven't updated in forever…**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!**


	5. Chapter 4

**Hiya again! I'm back! Thank you guys so much for all of the great feedback. It's nice to know people appreciate this story. **

**I hope I can keep up with a good schedule with this story. Unfortunately, I am going away on a cruise from the 16****th****, next Saturday, to the next Thursday (whatever date that is… lol) for a late birthday present (birthday was the 5****th****!). I want to update about once a week, more or less, so I'll try to update maybe next Friday, but I don't really know how that'll play out. So, if there is a long dry spell soon, do not fear! I'm still alive. **

**I don't know how many of you don't really understand my thought process in why Derek is acting the way he is. To me, it isn't just Meredith who is the 'queen of avoidance'. Derek certainly is as well. He'd rather go along how something is, rather then gamble on his emotions.**

**Example; when Derek and Addy lived in New York. They didn't really love each other anymore, but he didn't want to get a divorce because that would involve more heart break then he probably thought was worth it, even if it would have been better for both of them at the end. I guess for him, it just takes some kind of big push to change his mind.**

**Anyway, sorry for the long AN, and I hope you enjoy!**

When Derek woke up that morning, he didn't really remember why he was sleeping on the couch. Then the usual headache was felt, from his hangover (and it was obvious to him that he had a hangover. He felt awful). He could feel his head pulsing, and the light burned his retinas. His eyelids seemed puffy and ridiculously heavy. He groaned, burying his head a pillow. He didn't care why he wasn't in his much comfier bed, or why he wasn't in his usual uniform sweats used for sleep. He didn't care that he was probably late for work, or why he was hung over. He just wanted to sleep, get rid of this awful headache.

"Come on, Derek. We've gotta go; we slept in way late." Someone said quietly, seeming to know about his throbbing headache.

Meredith. He rolled around to face her. She was still a ratty old Dartmouth shirt, but she had nice pants on already, and more clothes slung over one arm, along with other work related necessities.

She had deep circles under her eyes, something that all doctors were cursed with, but hers looked particularly bad today. He wondered why for a second, and then he remembered. Joes, jail, being yelled at about hating babies, and that particularly painful headache that felt the much same as the one he had now.

Now he had the bitter taste of regret on his mouth. He felt bad. Meredith was being nice to him when he didn't deserve it. He didn't want to go to work, and would have gladly slept all day. The sleep would be worth Richard's impending wrath… but she didn't want him to get yelled at, and made an effort to wake him.

"We have to go to work." She emphasized, as if she didn't believe he understood yet, still talking quietly. "I'll drive. Hurry, please."

She nudged his knee with her leg, prodding him to get up. The gesture felt like a peace offering, almost. As if she was saying _I'm not going to yell at you if you just get up._

No, not a peace offering. There was no way she had forgiven him for the hell that was last night. She had probably just given up on him emotionally. Like she just wanted to get on with her life, make it as normal as possible because she didn't have the emotional capacity to care anymore, to care about him and his stupid, thoughtless actions. Maybe caring for him in the physical way of just getting him off of the couch and being oddly nice was just her way of saying _I do not care Derek. I give up on you._

But he was probably just reading into it too much.

She set some of his work clothes on the living room table for him and walked back upstairs.

He sat up after an extremely exaggerated effort, groaning. On the table in front of him was something he had not noticed, a full glass of water and two advil. She knew how bad his hangover headaches were.

Too freaking nice.

It took Derek longer to get ready than on a normal day, but that was to be expected. It was eight o'clock, and they were two hours late already, but nothing could be done about that. Meredith didn't hover or yell at him, which was good, but she wasn't exactly making conversation. It was still a step in the right direction.

"Are you ready to go?" She asked him later, and he nodded.

She jumped into her old jeep, and he trailed along. He complained that this car was in it's last stretch of life, that it needed to be replaced, but she would tell him that she wasn't getting rid of her old baby until it's was officially dead. _It has character, Derek. Unlike your shiny, fast cars, _and he would laugh and disagree, of course.

There were no joking arguments now, just silence. It wasn't as awful and awkward as it was last night, but not exactly comfortable.

"Um." He started, but she waved him off automatically. She had been anticipating him to say something.

"It's fine, Derek. We can talk about it later."

"But… I mean I need to explain Mer." He said. He wasn't expecting her to not want to listen to him. He expected her to get angry or something in that area, but not… not want to talk about it. He almost wanted her to get extremely pissed, because then it would be… not normal but still contain some sort of normality.

"It's fine."

"…Okay."

It didn't make the awkwardness subside. If anything, it made it worse.

It was a blessing when they pulled into the parking lot of the hospital. He jumped out, his headache had subsided, and Meredith quickly followed.

"You okay?" Meredith said. They walked to the main entrance together. "It your headache still bad?"

"No. It's fine." Great. Now he was using her word. Fine.

"M'kay."

Now they stood in the hospital lobby, facing each other. Still so very awkward. Meredith looked at her shoes, shifting her feet in an obvious attempt to interest herself, keep herself uninterested in the situation.

"Mer? Are we… okay?" He asked. He didn't want to leave this how it was. He didn't want them to spend the day in silence and quiet avoidance. He didn't want them to get into the car at the end of an exhausting day like this. Meredith would probably pick up a trashy celebrity magazine to distract herself. She would probably pretend to read it, but instead just flipping pages every once and a while to make it look like she was busy so there was less of a chance her him to try to talk to her.

She might even listen to her headphones, so loud that Derek could tell what song it was. She did that a lot, even when they weren't fighting. He would call her name again and again, and she wouldn't hear him at all until he got frustrated and yanked one ear bud out and say "_Earth to Meredith."_ Then he would complain that she was going to go deaf, and Meredith would whine that he was acting like her mother.

Petty whining at each other did not even compare to what was to come if he didn't attempt to at least make something right. There would be just silence for god knows how long. Quiet avoidance.

No, he didn't want that.

It took a few seconds, but she looked up at him. She was so tiny and small, adorable, and her head was still down as she looked up. She looked absolutely vulnerable. That was what she looked like to everyone from a first glace. Tiny and adorable and vulnerable, like a small child. It took a while to realize she was a bossy and… _frustrating_, but still loveable, super bitch that everyone adored.

Still, she lost the mask she'd been wearing all day. Now, she just looked hurt and exhausted and sad.

"Yeah. We're fine." She mumbled, dropping her gaze again to her feet quickly.

He sighed. She was _fine_. Always so freaking fine. Denying everything. She was fine, fine, fine.

He took her face in his hands, even though she still hadn't looked up again. He kissed the top of her head. Her hair was soft and smelled like pure Meredith and calmed his mind just a bit. He did this so much and it still had the same, comforting effect, even when she was _fine_.

"Gotta go." She mumbled.

"Okay. I'll see you."

She didn't reply, but quickly turned around. He stroked her hair once while she walked away.

He sighed.

"Is it true?"

"What?" Meredith said to a prodding, hovering Cristina. She hadn't even seen her while walking down the hallway, and then she was suddenly there, breathing on her. Creeper.

"McBastard got thrown in jail? I heard some nurses talking about it, but according to them, you two break up twice every week. But-"

"He did."

"Seriously? Well… that's one of the first times they've ever said anything right. Why?"

"You weren't at Joe's last night, huh?"

She frowned at Meredith. "No… why? Were you there? Pregnant people shouldn't go into bars, although I wouldn't put it past you to have one more shot of tequila."

"Cristina!" She snapped at her. "I don't want to hear your dark and twisty," she practically spat out the last three words, "jokes today. I'm tired of it. I don't want to hear it today. Not today."

Cristina didn't say anything. Usually dark humor would cheer up the other half of the 'Twisted Sisters' when one was down in the dumps. It worked almost all the time, and when it failed it was unclear what to do.

Meredith put her head in her hands and rubbed her forehead.

"Sorry." She said. "What happened at Joe's?"

"I'm surprised you don't know. He wrecked the place. Actually wrecked it. I don't know if I can ever go back in there. Joe's sympathetic. But… it'd freak me out to even go in there, Cristina. I don't know what to do about Derek."

She made a small throaty noise, stilling rubbing her head.

"Don't cry…" Cristina sighed, rubbing her friend's back.

"I'm not crying." Meredith said in a voice thick with tears. She wiped her nose. "I'm sorry. I'm such a cry baby now. Hormones. You're not going to want to be friends with me by the end of it."

"It's probably not going to be worse then I was. Do you remember sitting in the tub for hours at a time, whining about boy penises?"

Meredith laughed, and Cristina felt immensely relieved that she had made her person feel better.

"You're going to get so fat, Mer. You won't be able to see your feet. I hope you don't fall down the stairs."

Meredith laughed again, rubbing away the tears. "I don't want to get fat."

Cristina shrugged. "Sucks to be you."

"I hate this." Meredith said, but she wasn't crying anymore. "I hate it. I don't even think I'll be a good mom."

"You'll be a good mom." Cristina said without hesitation. "Derek will be a good dad. I think he's just freaked out."

"That's what everyone keeps telling me." She said, frustrated. "I don't get it though. He loved kids. He still does love kids, too. He can't walk by babies without getting all mushy and dad like and sentimental and crap. Or he did, not as much the sentimental part much anymore, but he still loves kids."

"Boys are stupid."

"Yep." She agreed.

"He'll get over it, Mer. Just give him some time, I guess."

She looked at her best friend. She was getting better at being the supportive, understanding "BFF" material. It was weird, Meredith never expected that to happen, and she didn't think Cristina did either. Usually she only became supportive when humor didn't work. Supportiveness was seemed to be a last resort for her, but that was better then nothing. She was grateful.

"Alright."

**Please don't forget to review! I LOVE reviews, and I know there are a ton of you who have this story on your favorites or alerts. Please come outta your shell, guys! I have cookies. C: **


	6. Chapter 5

**Well, hi there. **

**A while ago, I was working on a project for school when I came about an email notification for a review for this story by 'GAFAN', and it really inspired me to continue writing this. So thank that reader for this. **

**I had this chapter half written for months, and never continued. I too hate when authors leave people hanging, and I know I've become one of them. I've had a lot of stress, not a lot of time for myself, but that's no excuse. I'm sorry.**

**I don't this I edited this very well, so apologies in advance. **

**For a life update, I'm really busy with school and such. I'm about to be a long term volunteer at one of the best hospitals in the country. Exciting! **

**Just a disclaimer: I won't promise this will be updated regularly, because I don't want to let people down. I will certainly try to, I will say that. **

**Enjoy!**

"Hey."

Derek turned to look at Meredith, standing in the doorway. He hadn't even noticed her walk in. She dropped her coat and bag on the floor carelessly, with a loud _thunk_.

He had towed that bag around for her many times. It seemed to get heavier each time he offered, but it was worth it to see the relief and gratitude on her face when he remembered to ask. She never once opposed, never gave him a lecture about "_you think I'm too weak to carry a bag?_"

He had always wondered what the hell was in that thing – bricks? But he never looked in. For one, Meredith didn't appreciate people snooping through her stuff, like all girls. He had been attacked by his sisters enough times to know. But mostly it was because really… he didn't want to know what was in her bag. It was kind of terrifying.

She smiled at him. It wasn't a real Meredith smile, but not a terribly fake one either. Somewhere right down the middle. Hopefully something at work had put her in a better mood.

He quickly put the book he held in his hands away, stuffing it under his leg. It was Meredith's book, one he had found on her nightstand. It was one of those cheap paperback novels, something ridiculous about an unsuspecting girl and a guy with an accent and the crazy sex that came with it. . . or something like that. He had thumbed through the pages; the book seemed pretty new, only one page dog eared about thirty pages in. The cover had a stereotypically buff man, his chest shiny like a Ken Barbie doll.

He didn't get her at all. She could (and usually did) have good taste, a good book or a nice song, and then betray him, going to the opposite end of the spectrum and would pick up something like _this_ at the book store.

She did have good books stuffed god knows where in the house, books that wouldn't actually lower your IQ. But these horrible books were schemingly laced in between them. He was just trying to understand what the hell was going on in that brain of hers. She was usually pretty smart…

"What're you doing?" She frowned curiously at him.

"Nothing." He said innocently.

Meredith just waved it off and didn't bother with it any further. She walked behind him, out of his line of sight. He could hear her heels clunking through the kitchen, heard the fridge open and close, a cabinet shut, the water running briefly.

She sat down on the couch next to him; she bounced a little, and the couch trembled. She skillfully didn't spill her water before putting it on the coffee table in front of her. She took a bite out of her apple, and chewed it in a way that he could hear her munching. One of her cheeks puffed out. Adorable.

"How was your day?" He asked.

She shrugged, waving her arms around in emphasis of whatever point she was trying to make.

"It was fine. A little boring, I guess. I didn't do much." She said after she swallowed.

"Huh." He said, and she didn't say anything else. She grabbed the remote, turning on the TV and flipping through channels. He snorted.

"What?" She said defensively.

"Keeping up with the Kardashians?" He raised his eyebrows.

"No." She frowned. "Chelsea Lately comes on in ten minutes. I'm waiting for it."

"Right."

"Seriously!" She pushed him over. He smiled.

"Oh. What's that?" She said, and her curiosity peaked again. She was looking at his hip, or rather what was under it. The corner of the book had peaked out from under him when she had pushed him over.

"Nothing." He said quickly, again. He scooted over so it was out of her site.

"It's one of my books, isn't it?" She said, grinning. This was a real Meredith smile, not fake, strained or plastic at all. He hadn't seen it in some time, and he forgot how much he missed it. It made her whole face glow, the whole room glow. It seemed like a brighter, happier place, everywhere.

"No, of course not." He lied. She tried to shove him over again, but he held his ground. She was tiny.

"You're a horrible, horrible liar. Come on." She complained. "I am not reaching under your ass to retrieve what is rightfully mine, as much as I'd normally like to. Give it."

He sighed, giving up.

"Really?" She laughed. "I knew you were a romantic guy and all. . ."

"Shut up."

She only laughed again.

"I only wanted to read it so I could figure out why these types of books were so appealing. . . And I'll tell you, I'm twice as confused now."

"I don't believe it. I think you just skipped to the naughty parts." She teased.

He ruffled her hair. This was good. They were acting like they would on a normal day. Totally okay. He hadn't really talked to her at work, didn't see her that much. He had even avoided her, which was awful. . . but he couldn't face her completely unmasked expression, full of all of the emotional strain he had put her through. All of it had been completely written on her face, especially her eyes. He just didn't want to see that. It would make him feel worse then he thought he could handle.

Now, though, it felt like a normal day. He knew they were both completely avoiding the situation, and as happy and giggly was she looked then, he knew she wasn't nearly that happy, truthfully.

He (and everyone else) had always called Meredith the Queen of Avoidance. She had gotten a lot better at it, but it looked like the more she improved on it, the more he himself became the new rightful Queen (or King for that matter) of the vice. But today both of them seemed to be practicing their avoidance skills quite nicely. As much as it pained him to admit it to himself... he was relieved.

"Oh yeah, that's some real quality writing right there. I can just feel my brain cells multiplying."

"Shut up." She growled.

Meredith moved closer to him. She had been sitting comfortably next to each other, not too close for comfort in an awkward situation, and not too far away to make the awkward situation worse.

Now she was leaning on him, her chin resting on his shoulder, propping her feet up on the coffee table. She threw her apple core carelessly, aiming for the table, but it bounced off the side and on to the ground.

"Awh." She whined.

He chuckled, and took advantage of her closeness, taking her in, her smell, her warmth, closeness, everything.

They both sighed at the same time, a long one which had more of a taste, of the day they'd really had. Despite their actions at the moment in time, they'd each had crappy days, and both knew it. They were still avoiding the subject of like the plague, and both showed no signs of wanting to have one of those momentous emotional discussions about life or whatever.

Derek didn't know who was more scared about that, because he knew it was going to happen eventually... perhaps of several occasions. The thought nearly made him cringe.

"Let's go out to eat."

"Huh?" Derek said, caught off guard.

"Yeah. Let's go. You remember that new Mexican place you read about?"

"Meredith. . ." He said, confused. "I mean, I already ate."

"Oh."

Now he felt bad. She looked disappointed. But. . . it was such a spur of the moment thing when he just wanted to relax and sleep. It was late, too – probably nine or ten, but he hadn't looked in a while. It wasn't that they hadn't gone on spur of the moment dates before, but not under the same . . . circumstances.

He was the bad guy again. He seemed to be that guy all the time nowadays. No matter what he did, it made Meredith sad. It was completely frustrating; no matter what he did, the efforts he made, what he said, he was an ass. Everything he did was wrong, wrong, wrong. It wasn't as if Meredith was blaming him (she wasn't saying anything about the subject), he knew it himself. He knew he was being complete jerk and he tried not to be but he failed. Every. Time.

Very frustrating.

Now she was watching Chelsea Lately, a show that would normally make her laugh uncontrollably. Now, she had a completely blank stare on her face, not looking at anything. She was somewhere else in her mind, thing about something else. Not paying attention. She had gone inside herself. She was still close to him, physically at least, but that comfort had disappeared.

"Well. I am a little hungry, I guess."

Her train of thought (whatever it was) broke, and she looked up at him.

"You're suddenly hungry?" She challenged.

"Yes. Let's go eat."

She smiled at him again and that comforting feeling appeared again. He did something right, finally.

* * *

"Are you sure this is the right place?" Meredith said.

She frowned, crossing her arms as the hostess, clad in a skin tight, shinny, golden dress that would make any girl worried about sitting down, leaned over the podium, taking their party name.

"What would make you think we weren't in the right place?"

"I don't know . . . because I feel like I'm in freaking Hooters, maybe?

There were waitresses dressed in everything from naughty nurse outfits (which would really piss off the nurses) to gypsy costumes with the glitter and glam covering only body parts legally required to cover.

In this place, Meredith looked like some kind celibate freak show with a coat on.

"It's almost Halloween. Waitresses always dress up when it's Halloween. Near Halloween time... Halloween-y."

"Uh-huh." she frowned.

"It'll be about a forty minute wait. Is that okay with you?" purred the hostess.

"Yes." said Derek.

"Alright. We'll call you over our speaker system when a table is available." She smiled at Derek, and Meredith sighed and looked at him. He knew that look. The _'I am so pissed that I could kill puppies'_ look.

They walked over to the bar to wait for their name to be called. Derek expected Meredith to rant at him, but she just crossed her arms and glowered at the waitresses as they passed by them. One girl clad in some sort of bathing suit like outfit smiled coyly at him, but then caught site of Meredith murderous looks and she quickly walked away.

"I don't like this place." She said with a huff after she had scarred off half the staff.

Derek started to laugh. Meredith gave him the stare, but it only made him laugh harder.

"You wanted to come here Meredith." He said. "You were the one to bring it up."

"Well I didn't know how many... future Mother Theresas there were here. Plus you were the one to read about it. You didn't say anything about this." She waved her hand, referring to everything.

"There wasn't anything about the, er, Mother Theresas in the article, I swear."

"Hmph. Well I want to go somewhere else." she said, finally. He'd been expecting since they had walked in. She had the "_Oh dear god, no_" face as soon as she had gotten a good look at the place.

"I agree. Let's get out of here."

"Oh thank god. Really?" She breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yes. I'm feeling pretty awkward myself… also I'm sure you're about to attack someone."

"You know me well." She muttered.

He got up and offered her a hand to help her. She gave a small eye roll, muttering something about chivalry being dead but took it anyway.

"I'm still hungry, you know." Meredith said as they walked out into the cold together. She started to shiver at the sudden change in temperature, from the warm restaurant to the cold night. It was drizzling slightly, which didn't bother them after so many times of complete downpour. Derek wrapped on arm around her, pressing her to his damp jacket. It was a comforting gesture, and Derek was still warm despite the cold. He was always a lot warmer than she was.

"Still hungry? Where do you want to go?"

"I don't know." Meredith sighed. "No more whore houses though. Even if Seattle says it had the best food in the city."

He chuckled, "We could go to the sub shop you like. Go out to the docks."

She looked up at him and smiled. "That sounds good. But I don't think the shop is open now…"

"Well…" he thought. "It's close to the house. If it's closed, we can go back home and I'll make you a sandwich. Then we'll go to the docks."

"You're willing to make me food?"

"I don't trust you in the kitchen alone." He said in all seriousness. She rolled her eyes again, but couldn't deny her lack of luck and talent in the food department.

"Touché. Let's go."

* * *

"These chips are really good." Meredith mumbled, her mouth full. They sat on a bench near the water, which was still. It wasn't exactly dry; the ground was muddy and wet beneath them, but instead of a drizzle it was only a mist that the pair didn't pay much attention to. They had both become immune to the constant Seattle drizzle. It was getting quite late, but the moon was reflected off of the waves and gave the aura of calm.

"You like them?"

"Mmhmm. What kind are they?"

"Sun chips. Healthy, eco friendly and stuff."

"Your kind of thing, huh?"

"Yep. You can throw the bag in the backyard and it'll turn into compost."

"Fascinating stuff. Are we saving the world, one bag at a time?"

With that she took another one of the frilly chips, and bit it noisily with a grin.

"Yes." He said. "I feel warm and fuzzy thinking about it already."

She laughed the infectious, most adorable laugh that she had. He couldn't get enough of that sound.

His gaze lowered to her hand, and he swallowed. She had the hand that she wasn't eating with to hold her stomach. It didn't even look like she noticed she was doing it, that is was just an instinctive thing.

Before he could look away, she had noticed his eye line. She looked down again and slipped her hand off of her (still completely flat) stomach to the rough, worn wood of the bench.

"Sorry." She mumbled, still not looking him in the eye. She had a sun chip in her hand, which was lifeless on her lap now. The joking, lightheartedness was gone in an instant.

"You don't have to be sorry, Meredith."

She closed her eyes with a great sigh, leaning her head back against the bench. They didn't say anything for a long while, the tension growing.

"What are we doing, Derek?" Meredith whispered.

He swallowed nosily again, and looked for an excuse not to talk about the subject. Now a perfectly good date was ruined. . . because of him again. Nothing he did was right anymore, which wasn't Meredith's fault at all. He felt an unnerving amount of hatred toward himself for making what should have been one of the best times of their life, having their first child, something they didn't talk about, shunned to the back of their minds.

This was something he always wanted, and now he didn't know what to think.

He knew that one of those emotional heartbreaking outpours was going to happen tonight, as much as he would rather it didn't, they could only pretend for so long.

He swallowed. "I'm just. . . I need time."

Way to pour out your emotions. He kicked himself inwardly.

"Need time for what?" Meredith demanded. "You've always told me you couldn't wait for kids, that when you were with Addison you were constantly depressed because she never wanted kids. You were always the one who brought up kids in the first place... I don't get it at all, Derek. I'm really trying to understand but I just.. I do not. So you have some explaining to do."

He sighed a long sigh. He was a little miffed that she didn't get it... why was she so happy when that could so easily happen again? The tables had certainly turned.

But how was he supposed to explain his emotions? He had never, ever, been one to talk about them. The only person he ever really talked to them anymore with was Meredith, and even then he didn't really delve in to what was really ever bugging him. He just beat around the bush. He hated talking about things like this. He didn't know how to start.

He wished he could pretend to be happy, for Meredith's sake at the least. Or just get over and accept things easily, like she had done so much off. He never got over things. The disaster with Meredith and the serial killer on death row quickly came to mind. While Meredith had genuine sympathy for him, he had never even considered him a human being. He was still angry and upset and hurt about his father's death, and even now he refused to let it go, so many years later.

Refused, maybe. Or it was possible he just didn't know how.

He wondered if Meredith had forgiven Gary Clark.

It was, again, something they avoided talking about. She had always, always, been graceful with forgiveness. . . even when the person didn't deserve it. Did she forgive the man that Derek himself hated more than he had hated anyone? Even though it would be like her, he had a hard time imagining her forgiving the man who had. . . done those things.

He sat quietly for a while thinking things over. He wasn't being the source of all angsty emotions as Meredith had expected. He just looked at the water, not really there.

So it was time for her to prompt him herself.

"I think." Meredith started, "it's because of the first time."

He looked at her, but stayed quiet for a while.

"Is it?" she prompted again.

"Yeah." was his very small, near silent answer.

"Okay." she sighed. "Okay." At least she knew why. It called for some serious discussion that should have been done a long time ago.

She silently beat herself up for that. While everything else around them had slowly healed and became normal, he had not. He was still pushing it in the back of his mind. She should have pushed him to talk about it more... but he had been shot. He had almost died.

He had a lot of hurt already, both physical and emotional after the shooting. She didn't want to cause more pain, although she had known, really, it would have been for the best. And he didn't want to hear it.

She didn't want to push him when he refused to move.

He would rather go on, life as normal, for months, but they both knew one of these days something was going to pull the trigger, and another pregnancy definitely had done so.

"We need to talk about this."

She wasn't going to make the same mistake again.

He groaned. "Meredith..."

"Oh no. Don't Meredith me. This whole thing you're going through right now? It's because we never talked about it. Don't all of those crappy marriage counselors on Oprah or whatever always say communication is key? As ridiculous as it is, well, I guess it's true. So we need to talk about it. If we had then we wouldn't be here now."

"Can we... talk about it tomorrow? It's really late now."

"I've already learned from my mistakes, Derek. We're going to talk now."

"What, you don't trust me?" Derek suddenly snapped, taking Meredith off guard.

"Well the last time you promised to come home you took a swing at Alex and then I got a call from the police about a certain someone destroying a bar. So, no. I don't. Not right now."

That hit a nerve for him. He didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry." she said after she realized the effect of her words on him. Way to go. Way to make the situation a lot worse than it already is.

"I just don't want you to keep avoiding me anymore. You're stuck here now, so we might as well get it out of the way."

"Why not now?" she challenged.

"Because... because I don't know what to say. Give me tomorrow to get some things through. Right now, I don't think I can really say everything and say it correctly, the way I want to. I will be home. I promise. Just let my mind settle. . . please."

He let out a breathy sigh, this one sounding a little different from the others. He leaned his head back and looked at the sky.

Oh god, he was on the verge of tears.

She started to panic. She thought they could talk about his emotions without him becoming, well, emotional.

She debated with herself. He had a good point. It was late, and he didn't look like he was in the right state of mind to talk about things clearly. He hadn't said much up until now. Did that mean he really did not know what to say?

She ran her hands through his hair, and the physical contact seemed to help relax him a bit, but he still didn't look at her.

"..Okay. We can put this off until tomorrow." she surrendered, hating that she was letting him do this. It was against her better judgment, but she couldn't stand to see him like this. "But, we're going home together, no matter what, and you can't get pissed if I follow you around like a dog all day at work, okay?"

"Alright." he said quickly. "It's a deal. Thank you."

"You better not let me down." she said. She leaned back into him, letting her head rest on his shoulder. While there was still tension between them, for once in was bearable.

"I won't." he said very convincingly. He seemed like he meant it, and she prayed that he did. Maybe there was hope for the situation after all.

"I really, really love you." she said.

He looked down at her, mildly surprised. Tentatively, he put his arm around her, sighing. it was just like before, at the house, but this time there wasn't any avoidance involved. They hadn't really talked, per say, but. . . they hadn't not talked about it. They were making progress.

"I love you too."

**Just wondering, does anyone else see Meredith loving **_**Chelsea Lately? **_**xD Because I totally can. **

**Sadly, the restaurant thing totally has happened to me. Only, we were in the WRONG restaurant… and I was with my parents. Can we say awkward? **

**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed! Please review! **


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